Aftonbladet rapporterar idag om en vetenskaplig studie som jag skrev om för någon månad sedan. Enligt forskarna lever man längre i par där parterna uttrycker ilska. Till saken hör att vad de studerade var om man uttryckte ilska när man upplevde sig orättvist påhoppad. Så om man verkligen mår bättre av att skrika och domdera som Aftonbladet påstår är inte lika säkert.
Lite till mans har vi nog känslan av att det är sunt att stå på sig när vi upplever oss påhoppade även om det är något vi inte direkt uppmanas till i vår kultur. Många idealiserar också kulturer som tillåter mer känslomässiga utsvävningar och kallar dem passionerade. Vilket vi mår bäst av skulle jag tro är individuellt. Jag misstänker att resultatet av just den här studien ska tolkas som att det inte är bra att låta någon trampa på en. Det är det alldeles för många som gör.
En form av träning i att respektera sina egna känslor.
Hur löser man då detta i förhållanden? Det är inte så självklart. Att ta upp varje gång man är arg är nog lämpligt om man hör till dem som inte brukar göra det. Det är en form av träning i att respektera sina egna känslor. Om ilskan uppstår ofta tror jag inte det är så lämpligt att ta upp den på momangen. Det kan upplevas som förlösande att få häva ur sig sin ilska och i en del par är det accepterat av båda parterna. I längden är min erfarenhet att det tär på relationen ändå.
När vi låter ilskan få fritt uttryck förvränger den bilden vi har av varandra. Vi ser den andra mer svart/vitt och vi blir mer kritiska. Konflikter glider över från problemlösning till en tävling om vem som har rätt eller fel. När jag undervisar om konflikter är det nästan alltid lättast att hitta exempel på riktigt destruktivt beteende i våra kärleksrelationer. En positiv tolkning av det är att vi känner oss så trygga i relationen att vi tillåter oss större utsvävningar. Men i längden urholkar det relationer och förstör tilliten till att vi vill varandra väl. Framförallt brukar negativa känslor om motparten sakta komma krypande och befästas.
När man arbetar gemensamt med tillit till att den andra vill en väl.
Min åsikt är att man ska försvara sig mot orättvisa påhopp men jag tycker inte att man ska lösa problem i förhållanden med att bråka om man kan undvika det. Det är inte bara skadligt för relationen det är dessutom ett uselt sätt att komma på bra lösningar. Riktigt bra lösningar på problem kommer man nämligen på när man arbetar gemensamt med tillit till att den andra vill en väl. Det kräver lugn och trygghet så att man vågar öppna sig och berätta vad man känner och tycker utan att vara rädd för att det ska vändas mot en. Om man inte vågar berätta och lyssna får ju inte båda parterna all information som behövs för att lösa problemet.
Författaren arbetar med psykoterapi och konflikthantering. Han tar emot klienter för psykoterapi i Göteborg och håller kurser och föreläsningar om konflikthantering över hela landet. På Hantera Konflikter ... kan du lära dig mer om konflikthantering, samt givetvis finna information om professionella tjänster. Kontaktuppgifter
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